Ron Weasley: The Language Police
by FMKitsune
Summary: Ronald Weasley loves his wife Hermione but she always catches him saying swear words. One day, the tables are turned…


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Yay! Isn't that just awesome! …

Summary: Ronald Weasley loves his wife Hermione but she always catches him saying swear words. One day, the tables are turned…

This story came to me one day and I'm like what if Hermione had a creative way of saying bad words? She didn't use them in the book because she uses them differently. And then what if Ron catches her. What fun!

**Ron Weasley: The Language Police**

Hermione was doing dishes one day when her husband came in the house. "Hello Ron."

"Hey, 'Mione." He smiled as he kissed her hello.

"How was work today?" she asked as she opened a cupboard and put away some plates.

"Eh… fine I guess…" Ron sat down heavily on a dining room chair.

"Well, your mother flooed me today…" '_Oh no not another one_.' thought Ron. "She wanted to have a big family dinner tonight." Ron sighed and smacked his head on the table.

"Oh, bloody hell."

"Ron, language!" '_Oh bloody hell…_'

~RHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRH~

Ron ran through his house. He had to tell Hermione the news. Hermione was cleaning the living room. He found her and opened his mouth.

"Hey, guess what I just got fro- Ow! Shit!" He didn't notice the large box in front of him and banged his toes on it. He was jumping up and down on his good foot thinking. '_Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…_'

Then he heard, "Ron, language!"

~RHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRH~

"Guess what I heard to today from Ginny?" Hermione asked Ron as he put on his pajamas.

"What?" He asked lazily. '_It's not like it's anything important…_'

"They're having a baby."

"What?" Ron yelled and he tripped over his feet and crashed to the floor "Well, bugger me!"

"Ron, language!" '_What? Not again._'

~RHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRH~

"Merlin's Beard!" Ron exclaimed as he saw that Hermione painted the kitchen table orange. "It's bloody brilliant!"

"So I guess you like it?" She asked him. He nodded his head vigorously. "Oh, I almost forgot…"

'_What did she forget?_'

"Ron, language!" '_Oh, that…_'

~RHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRH~

"Hey, mate." Ron said to his best friend Harry Potter as he sat down at a table at the Three Broomsticks.

"What'd you want me for Ron?" Harry asked as he sipped a butterbeer and leaned back in his seat.

"Well, congrats by the way." Ron mumbled staring into his butterbeer wishing it were a firewhisky.

"Yeah, Ginny is really excited. I can't be more happy." He laughed.

"Good." Ron mumbled.

Harry sighed and put down his drink. "Ron, what's the matter."

"Hermione."

"Oh."

"Oh? Just oh?"

"Well, yeah." Harry looked perplexed. "So what about her?"

Ron slumped over the table. "She keeps saying 'Ron, language!' every time I say a bad word. Even the small ones!"

"Just live with it."

"Really, that's the best the great Harry f-ing Potter can do? Live with it?"

Harry shrugged. "Well, if you can't, give her a taste of her own medicine."

"How Harry?" Ron whined. "She never says a bad word!"

Ron didn't expect Harry to smirk.

"She hasn't sworn around you yet?" '_What?_' "She swears all the time. You just have to catch her at the right moment."

"Really? How come I've never heard her?"

Harry scratched the back of his neck and looked sheepish. "I- uh, caught her in a rant one day a few years ago. She kept on saying the silliest things while she was yelling. I asked her about it and she went white as a sheet. So she told me that was how she swore." Harry looked Ron in the face. "She doesn't use the words she replaces them with desserts. It seems pretty normal in a conversation if you're not looking for it. But when by itself, its really silly." Harry chuckled.

'_Herimone swears using sweets? Had he heard her swear before and not known it?_'

"Yeah she randomly says it sometimes. I think the funniest one I've heard from her was 'Oh, lady fingers!'." Harry said the last sentence in a girly voice. "I think she had misplaced a few of her papers she needed for work and she yelled that. Ginny swears she heard her mumble something about cream pie when she banged her elbow on our wedding day. We didn't have any cream pie anywhere so Ginny thought it was weird."

"That's how she swears? Really?"

"Yep." Harry smiled. He leaned forward and whispered to Ron with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "Just catch her in the act." He took his empty butterbeer and stood away from the table. "I have to go with Gin to do some shopping. Have fun with Hermione." He left through the floo.

"I'm going to catch her swearing…" Ron muttered. '_I bet she's home right now… maybe…_' Ron turned and sprinted to the nearest apparition point.

~RHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRH~

Ron snuck in the house by the back door. The door squeaked slightly and he winced when he heard some shuffling. '_Hermione was here. I was right._' He tiptoed though the kitchen. '_No Hermione._' He poked his head into the living room. '_She's not here either._' Then he heard a few bumps and noises from upstairs. '_Is she moving something?_' Ron stood at the bottom of the staircase and peered up. All of a sudden he heard a loud bang. It sounded like someone dropped something. The next thing he heard was music to his ears.

"Oh no! Biscuits!" Ron sniggered. '_That was just like his Hermione- doing something silly like change swearwords into desserts._' Ron bounded up the stairs quickly. He tore down the hallway and turned and stood in the doorway of the room he heard the noise come from. Hermione was sitting in the middle of the floor with the laundry thrown about her. She was staring in shock at her husband's sudden appearance in the doorway. He had a huge smirk on his face. He took one look at Hermione and said,

"Hermione, language!"

~RHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRH~

Hermione was looking through a large book the library of her house when she had to make a quick note. She couldn't find any quills.

"Oh, fudge!"

"Hermione, language!" Ron's voice floated to her from the hallway.

Hermione couldn't understand when Ron had figured out her secret. '_Had he known all this time?_ _But I didn't think he noticed… unless someone told-_'

Hermione glared hard at the book she was holding. "Harry…" she ground out. "Just you wait Harry, I'll get you one day for telling my secret!" She shouted to the ceiling.

~RHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRHRH~

Harry Potter was browsing a few items in the electronics store. Ginny convinced him to pick out something interesting for her dad for his birthday. He suddenly felt a chill down his spine.

"What's wrong?" Ginny asked as she came over to stand by him.

"I think Hermione just cursed me for telling her swearing secret to Ron. If she comes after me, will you protect me?" He asked with an innocent face.

"Not a chance, Harry." She wiggled her eyebrows and laughed.

"Oh well then." He smirked at her and went back to shopping.

**THE END… OR IS IT?**

**AN:** This story was only meant to be a one shot. If people ask for Hermione's revenge on Harry I'll write it. Don't know when but I will. Speaking of which… **PLEASE REVIEW!** I tried to make this story believable. It takes place before the epilogue (obviously) and before Ginny had James.

1,103 Words. Published 2-7-2011, Monday.


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